This is where I can just describe and write and rant about anything that’s on my mind.
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December 13th: Don’t make it more complicated. I am stressed out enough and i don’t want to feel anymore shitty. comfort me dammit. I want to go home to my baby now..
December 12th: 5 gunman on my campus, swat and police everywhere…happy 12/12/12
December 9th: I have to just get used to missing you and I need to be stronger than I am. That’s so much easier said than done.
December 8th: I just want to understand my own heart. and I don’t ..at all. I don’t understand the way it can be so fragile for you but so strong for others.
November 27th: I basically just come on here to help myself vent in a way that basically no one cares to look at…which is nice. anyway…. what the fuck? Am I no longer relevant?
October 30th: It all feels like whiplash. It’s calm for a moment and the next I’m sitting there confused and hurt. what the hell is seriously going on. When is it going to be easier? Why am I becoming so judgmental of myself. I don’t care what other people say about me, it’s what they say to you. It’s the way you don’t say it back. It’s what I want to say. It’s what I keep in. It’s what is eating me up. Fuck this bullshit. I’m going crazy of this.
If I have nothing to feel and am confident in all that I have been saying then why do I have to feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. Maybe I am just waiting for the day for it all to crash down. Maybe that’s what I expect because it’s never worked before and everything is so perfect now that I fear the change.
It’s so hard being in love. I wouldn’t change one thing about you but damn is love ever hard. I just wish I could be with you. I love you and don’t regret it or anything.. I just wonder if you ever feel this crazy aching gut feeling when we are not together ..
October 21st: you promised. Maybe it’s not a big deal to you….it is to me…I can’t be mad because you won’t see the point and if I let it go, then I’m pathetic. fuck. what the hell, I want to be important for fuck sake
October 17th: I feel fucking stupid, inadequate, irrelevant, and pointless. FUCK THIS, it hurts so fucking much and you would never understand this aching pain I have in my gut and heart. ugh :’(
stop scaring me just help me
you’re making me feel so unwanted and out of place, I feel self conscious and everything I never want to be. Stop it. I don’t know what’s going on
who needs makeup remover when we’ve got tears to make it all run off….
October 16th: happy 13th month anniversary <3 i love you baby and always will
October 7th: HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY TO MEEE :)
September 29th: I think what hurts most is how easy it is for me to be ignored
September 29th: FUCKING PISSED OFF. I don’t know what else I could have done but all I know is you two did not make it any better. I am almost 19 fucking years old, I am responsible and I make all of my own decisions while at college all the time yet when I come home..while my boyfriend and his friends (who are all younger than me) can make whatever decisions they want…I have curfew, strict rules, and can’t go to anything they might possibly disapprove of. “Act like a lady” “behave yourself” “make good choices” YES I FUCKING know that you love and care about me as parents but why they fuck do I not have even the littlest bit of freedom to do anything like this. It’s so god damn frustrating the way I know the night could’ve gone a completely different way. I just want to make you happy for fucksake… and when I say you I don’t mean my parents at the moment. I just wanted to come here and make it everything you could hope for. I know we had fun but I still feel like such a let down. Things got awkward, the music sucked, I’m just trying to be the very best I can for you because that is what you deserve. I just love you so very much and I don’t want that to be forgotten by anyone but ESPECIALLY by you. You are my everything. I am now on track of just focusing on making the last bit of this weekend everything you could hope for and making you oh so very happy. <3 gah. Life…..I need a pause button
September 27th: Today is my baby’s birthday <333 Happy 17th Birthday boo <333
September 25th: Honestly why can’t you just let this go. You’re making it a way bigger deal that it needs to be. I understand why it’s upsetting but honestly if you think about it, it really won’t be such a big deal. LET. IT. GO. you’re making it more than it needs to be and it’s effecting everyone around you and more. please. Like it’s already a weird situation so If I can let that go then you should let this go. It’s really upsetting because this is supposed to be fun and memorable in a positive way and you are just creating unnecessary stress. Done.
September 12th: I like the way you speak of me. I like the way you hint of the love you have for me. I mean ya I vent nonstop about how much I love, miss and care about you but the way you are subtle and know how to make me feel special in your cute little ways… I won’t tell you how much I like it and notice it because well.. I really, really don’t want you to stop. Especially because I already crave it, I want to see it more but it’s okay because I know that’s just me being greedy fory our love. :) I love you and everything about you. There is no one else
September 9th (later on): BUT OF COURSE.. you always make it better <3 always. <3 I love you so much Laurence
September 9th: Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m okay. I’m irritable and annoyed and impatient lately. I can’t stand the way I have to just wait. I’m not alone but I’m lonely. I’m afraid to show the pain I feel because yes I have so many there for me who love me but I am exhausted of explaining the pain when I know I can’t correctly describe it. You don’t know what I’m going through. I sound pathetic and that makes me sick. I just need the comfort that I actually want. I don’t expect anyone understand this because like I said..it probably will never make sense to anyone….
August 31st: I think everyone has to have those nights or days or something that you just really have to break down and understand what you are feeling. But for me..I don’t know how to come out and say I really need a hug or help and to just be loved. I’m stubborn and unsure and scared. I am so upset and I can’t even convey it…but one thing I know for sure is I am sad.
August 24th: woke up feeling terrible, got food poisoning and other issues. Almost blacked out in the bathroom, ya that was just a bundle of fun. But now I just feel lonely…it’s a different pain but just as bad basically. Not a good day
August 22nd: Cannot believe how quick this summer has seem to gone by. I guess I was just living really within every single day that I forgot to watch how the days were just flying by! I am so happy that I have spent my summer this way. Full of adventures, experiences, trying new things, taking risks, and really just being surrounded by the one I am so in love with. I am having such a hard time thinking and talking about the fact that I leave tomorrow morning. I don’t think I can ever really be ready to have to put these stupid miles between us. 100 miles. I hate every last bit of them. But I know though our bodies will be at a distance, our hearts never are. You are my everything and I love you so much. Nothing and no one can ever come between us. It’s a fact.
August 5th: Tapex boba, yummy head or tails oreos with peanut butter(just like parent trap) and Watching Tangled with my baby <3 <3 <3 he makes everything better
August 4th: There is a lot I’m not ready for…I am not ready to study, do homework or focus in class. I’m not ready to make the effort in every aspect for my college career as a sophomore now…I’m not ready to leave my doggy and best friends and the love of my life…but all I can do is take a deep breath and appreciate very moment of this unforgettable summer. I have never had a more eventful amazing summer…and I didn’t even go on vacation. You have just made everyday so memorable and wonderful and I just don’t want to let it go. You’re currently laying right by my side fast asleep and I cannot help but smile <3 Though I’m afraid of looking at the calendar because the time to go back to school is so soon, you are just keeping me from being upset about it because when I’m with you, I am my absolute happiest. You are a true gift and I know how blessed I am to have you in my life. I honestly treasure everything we do and share and look forward to all that is to come. You are so special to me and my absolute everything. My love for you is so extensive that I’d really do anything for you. Never give up, never let go <3
August 1st: it’s been awhile.. a looong time. I have been enjoying summer more than I ever have before and I am actually really dreading it ending. I have an actual fear of it ending and it’s honestly hard to admit because I feel a bit dumb for it but at the same time I have every right to. I hate leaving the most important part of my life. Especially with this inexplicable pain in my gut. it’s terrible.
“are you mine? not just when you wanna be, all of the time”
This summer as been magical and unforgettable. I just don’t want anything to end. Endings are scary because beginnings right now would mean that the past didn’t work…and I Really want it all to keep working. Please keep working … I may not make sense to you but my heart is so unstable at the moment and I know I just won’t be making much sense for a little while. Happy August
July 2nd: You sleeping next to me has got to be the cutest thing ever, best site to walk up to and most amazing feeling <3 I love you
June 17th: You’ll see one day…how incredibly terrifying it is to have someone have total control over your heart.. The muscle that is supposed to constantly beat and keeping you alive….having someone else be able to speed it up and put it to a complete stop just because you are so incredibly fully completely totally in love with them. It fucking hurts. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world so don’t take it the wrong way…but it’s terrifying. You can be completely happy and giddy and then one thing is said or done and BAM heart stops, sinks and hurts. I don’t know what else there is to say about it I guess.
June 6th: I swear I’m so over this shit. My parents think I was asleep this morning but noooo I was plenty awake to hear them bitching about all the things I have done wrong lately. Good thanks guys.. good to know I’m just such a disappointment. Then when I finally find something to be really happy about it gets completely ruined. slaughtered. fucked up. One more thing to leave me feeling like total shit. thanks. really..thanks
June 5th: 2,305 followers <3
May 27th: 2,222 Followers :) <3
May 26th: No I’m not mad. It just kinda sucks..like I guess I just expected A LOT different considering the circumstances but it;s fine. ..Well..It’s not fine but it will be. I am no mad at you..of course I’m not. It’s not like you ditched me, I just expected different. Hopefully it’ll all get made up for or whatever. that sounds bad cause you don’t OWE me anything..it’s just if the situation was reversed we all know it woulda been different. just venting :) I’m still smiling of course
May 17th: fuck my life…2 c’s ….I NEVER do that… fuck :’(
May 16th: 8 months today with my baby ;) <3 thank goodness I go home to him soon. only 2 more days. Gah seriously I cannot describe how blessed I am to have him. 8 months wow <3 And it’s really only the beginning <3
History final today
CAS final Friday
HOME FRIDAY <3
HAPPY SUMMER <33333 xoxox I love my baby happy 8 months babyboy
May 14th: To put it simply…the Song “Without a Word” by Birdy….explains it all.
I will not let go until forced. I will not believe it until you make me believe it. I will not back down until begged to do so. I will always love you
May 6th: Ya I guess it’s “One of those days” AGAIN. what the actual FUCK. Im so fucking frustrated. Gah I wanna scream but then again I’m just in complete silence. It’s weird how you notice when you are alone for hours you most likely just don’t say a single word…especially for someone like me.. I haven’t said anything… no singing or talking to myself (which I normally do) I’m so incredibly frustrated. So many different factors are contributing to it but ya…you know they say “It could be worse” but fuck it…just cause things could be worse doesn’t decrease the pain I feel or take away the fact that it’s making my heart sink lower than low. I’m in need of the care and love and support I provide for others consistently but feel like I can’t receive it in return. I have my best friends that would always be there for me and I could easily just tell them but I’m a fucking picky need girl at the moment and I need much more than that. I don’t like feeling my heart sink. Who the fuck would like that. It’s been two fucking hours of me just sitting her in complete anger. I am completely aware this frustration or anger doesn’t seem to make sense but if I could sort my thoughts correctly you would understand too… or maybe you wouldn’t. Because hey..no one can ever grasp a person’s strongest deepest feelings because it is something they, themselves solely possess all on their own. So Fuck It right? no ..not right…cause I feel like shit and shouldn’t. I feel my heart getting heavier and heavier and it fucking sucks. Why can’t you be there? seriously Why the fuck not?
May 5th: HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!!! I just became the Captain of Infinite PASAbilities <33333 this is such an amazing dance team and I can’t wait for this coming semester <3
May 4th: Holy Fuck maybe it’s just one of those days but holy fuck so many annoying things happened today. I am so fucking irritated. On top of that I feel sick. I am so annoyed… I need my cuddly loving boyfriend <3 14 days.. I can do this <3
May 3rd: OMFG MOVE THE FUCK ON AND GROW THE FUCK UP. holy fuck….. for real though
May 3rd: All I want is my boyfriend <333 an sushi and boba…preferably from tea station <3 xo
but man ..everything has just been so perfect lately. This is going to be an AMAZING month <3333
April 30th: Devon’s birthday today :)) my best friend since Kindergarten <3 :)) love her so much
Had an AWESOME weekend back home with my baby. :) hung out for houuurrsss, went to his baseball game at Petco Park, and took care of him all yesterday cause he was sick <3 poor baby..but feeling better now after watch 4 movies and eating together all day haha so cute <3 THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS <3 19 more days of school (including weekends) and 20 days til Prom <3 so close yet so far. Need to get my but in gear for school. Gotta finish strong ..i know i can do this. I just really wanna impress my parents…make them proud
April 23rd: Guys COMPLETELY underestimate how much a girl can find out. girls don’t even have to search or be nosey..we just find things out…like right away too. It’s like a natural instinct or just brought right in front of us immediately… GRR
April 23rd: People are constantly working to be something they are not or will never be. When we have someone in our life that we hope to please or impress (girlfriend, boyfriend, friends, crushes, parents,etc.) we try to better ourselves or become something we perceive as perfect. Truth is …if that person is at all worth your time..they’ll love and accept you EXACTLY AS YOU ARE. We are constantly focused on how to get the skills or look of another person or type of person just to fit our specific vision of “Perfect.” It’s so stupid when you think about it…especially when it’s for someone who is already interested in you or cares about you for one reason or another because they started caring or liking you because of the way you are as soon as they first meet you…not what you try to be afterwards.
April 23rd: Life is so contradicting, frustrating, wonderful, unpredictable and absolutely CONFUSING.
April 19th: I feel like absolute SHIT. I am so incredibly frustrated and angry and all I want is a real hug..but my anger makes me so antisocial that I want everyone to fuck off as well …All I want is you but that’s impossible. The sadness I feel makes me feel so fucking guilty cause I’d do anything to make you smile and happy with what’s going on and I have literally shown I’ll do anything. I stayed up 2 hours extra last night just incase you needed me but you didn’t even wanna talk. That’s fine cause I understand, I am not complaining I just was glad to be there for you IF you needed me…that’s what I will always do for you. But FUCK I need you now..more than anything right now I need you. My mind is so fucking messed up right now…it’s 11:50pm and I guess I had nowhere else to go to write or say this than here.. That makes me feel like shit too cause I know I should be writing my two fucking essays that are due tomorrow. Where is my fucking head these days?? this is not me! What the fuck. I’m so fucking disappointed in myself and so incredibly upset…but like no one see’s it because I’m way too good at covering it up with a smile. I don’t even tell you because i already feel guilty enough that we are far apart…when all we want is to be together. On top of that I am just letting every little thing hurt my heart… the way he called me stupid, they way she glared at me and called me out, the way I was forgotten, the way he mistook me for her, the way I am not even anywhere fucking close with this essay and most of all the way I don’t know what the fuck I should be deciding in this situation. I want my life back to how it was where I felt so content with my priorities. Growing up is fucking bullshit…please I just need to get away. When I come home I need to be comforted… I don’t want to be told what to do or how I should study..I need a hug ..no several hugs..someone to brush through my hair and tell me everything will turn out alright… I’m waiting…
April 7th: I cannot even begin to express my anger. I am completely torn and shattered. Seriously FUCK YOU I am so mad, Everything was beyond perfect and then you had to come in and fuck everything up. All I did was try and help and then you turn around and ruin everything for him and for me. I will never be able to except you and that’s sad because it is all your fault. You’ve lost him completely.. I will never pity you because you act like a child when you are supposed to be a grown man. FUCK YOU. Gah I haven’t been this angry in so long. I can count the number of people i hate on one hand and you are included in that. You are inconsiderate, selfish, insecure, beyond immature and downright mean. I will never care to hear your side because it means just about nothing to me. I know enough to know that I will not respect you. It sucks though because I really want to have a good relationship with you but… id rather get you out of his life as fast as I can.
April 6th: What the fuck… I hate being a girl sometimes. Fuck you periods…. I mean ya it’s a good sign but then again fuck you period. Not a good timing ..couldn’t you just have waited til tomorrow night or sunday? Seriously COME ON!!!
April 3rd: Happy April. :)) Spring Break was lovely but went by too quickly. I cannot believe I only have 6 weeks of school, 1 week of Finals and then SUMMER! excuse my language but FUCK YES!!! I’m so incredibly over being stressed out.. I know it will honestly only get worse as finals come closer but I’m doing my best to get my priorities straight. It’s just really hard for me. Always has been. I don’t know what it is with me but I am terrible at studying and on top of that..I worry WAYY TTTOOOO much about how others are doing as far as staying in touch and checking up on them rather than taking the time to stop and focus on my work. It’s bad. I know…. I’m working on it though. I just really need to push through and get good grades. I know I can do better than what I am doing right now.. psh are you kidding? I can do a fuck ton better than what I’ve been doing. I know I can…that’s why I’m so down on myself cause my lack of motivation is causing me to slip and I can do so much better. I’m not a C student..I’m an A-B student and I should do way better than this. COMMEEE ON JAMIE ..wish me luck <3
March 19th: Things are becoming so much happier. I needed it. Desperately and I hope it stays this way <3 I went to the elementary school again today to volunteer and the rewarding feeling I get is astounding. Literally before I even walked in the door I was hugged by a cute little second grader. She was reading outside and was so excited because I wasn’t supposed to come today but was able to come do extra time. Then I walked the door and two boys go “OH!!! Miss Jamie can you help us with math!!!??” I hadn’t taken two steps in yet and I was already wanted <3 That felt so good, all I could do was smile <3 :)
More good news..I go home to my baby so so sooo soon. I miss him so incredibly much and our first hug and kiss when I see him are going to last quite awhile. <3 I love him so much and everything we manage to fight through and help each other with only makes us stronger <3
March 16th: 6 months with the most amazing person in the world. I wish you were here now more than anything…seriously I need you more than you can imagine. But I will come home soon… I miss you baby. I’m so grateful for every second spent thinking, talking and being with you <3 i love you with all of my heart
March 15th: I’m way too fucking good at hiding my tears.
March 12th: If someone new comes into your life and brings you joy, be excited, keep the friendship and get to know them…but don’t let them take away the time with the true friends who have been there previously and continue to be there. You don’t know how much it’ll hurt the hearts of those that love you when they feel like they are being downgraded and replaced.
March 10th (continued): Good time at retreat with IP <3 I seriously love each of my teammates so much and it means a lot to me the way they support me. I’m blessed to have them <3
March 10th: I hate the way I can’t tell what I feel. I hate the way I look at myself lately. I even kinda hate how well I bottle it up and pretend it’s okay. I don’t expect anything from anyone else..i guess I expect more outta me.
March 9th: This fucking sucks. I’m sorry excuse the language but I am so unhappy. It’s the biggest ache in my gut and my heart is so incredibly heavy. And I won’t tell anyone..besides.. i can’t. I swear I am just miserable at the moment and this is the only place I could pour my thoughts because no one will read it and ask and judge and fuck. gah. I’m so upset. it’s indescribable and best of all no one will give a single fuck it seems. I swear I’m just going to go take a long hot shower and bawl my eyes out in there. that’s all. hope for a better tomorrow ..or something
February 25th: please refrain from wasting my time with your obnoxiousness pathetic lies :)
February 20th: I hate waiting. end of story. I have no patience from the begging so..this makes it even harder.
February 13th: Last weekend I went to Formal with Laurence for his school. I have never had that much fun at a dance before. I seriously enjoyed every single bit of it. I am always happy just to be around Laurence but the fact that it was such a special event made it all the more enjoyable <3 Getting all fancy taking pictures, dinner, dancing sooooo much, and afterwards <3 everything was just a total blast. On top of that I absolutely LOVE his friends. They completely accept me and include me and seem to really like having me there as well which means so much to me. I really appreciate the way they make the effort to include me in what’s going on. They are awesome. Laurence is the most amazing guy ever. Seriously, I fall for him more and more everyday. I loved how smiley he was from the moment he picked me up from my house and it was my goal the whole night to just make sure he was having an amazing and memorable time. SUCCESS. You can just tell in our pictures how incredibly happy we were just to be with one another. SWANG SWANG haha i fucking love swangin! I can truthfully say that there is no place I love being more than in Laurence’s arms <3 :))) I could go on forever how perfect the weekend in general was because from Friday to Sunday afternoon I was smiling non-stop. What sucks is now I have to wait til the end of March to see him. It makes my heart so incredibly heavy…this ache in my gut is just building as I think about it….but then I look and think back to everything this weekend and previous memories and I can’t help but know that everything will be okay and I will be back in my baby’s arms soon <3 xoxoxo
February 10th: here comes a long one: OH MY GOSH!! I am so happy right now. I finally got to dance last night for a workshop for a team at my school called Infinite Pasabilites and man was it ever fun. I cannot describe how much joy and satisfaction I get out of dancing. Even when I mess up or don’t think I look good doing the dance, I still like the hard work, focus, atmosphere and passion I have for dancing. I am hoping to try out for the team so cross your fingers and wish me luck :))) <3 Anyway TODAY IS FRIDAAYYY!!! this is not just any friday but in an hour or so I will be getting on the train home! GAHH I am so happy. I seriously miss Laurence and everything to do with him. Most of all I miss his comfort and his smile.. I miss how he holds me and the pure joy I feel whenever he is around. Man…that boy sure is special to me. I honestly hope to have him in my life forever. This weekend is his school’s Formal so I’m STOKED to go with him. mmm getting all fancy and whatnot for him is going to be so much fun! Of course I want to impress him hahah he is my man! bahah anyway I hope this weekend all goes amazingly well :)I know it will. <3 I can’t wait <3
February 8th: I need to learn how to become more patient..that’s my biggest issue I think. *sigh* 2 more days till I get to go home and see Laurence <3
February 7th: Just because you know how to push someone’s buttons doesn’t mean you should push them daily…you’ll over-do it ..trust me.
3 days till I go home.. 3 days till I’m back in your arms. 3 days till I’m my happiest self again.
February 5th: It hurts when people find out what bugs you and they use it against you. How disrespectful.
February 2nd: One thing I just don’t get is how certain photos or things people write have hundreds or thousands of notes when truthfully…it isn’t anything special or unique and probably just got notes because that person is “tumblr famous.” When I post something I don’t expect to get notes..but if I do get a note or notes then I get all excited because I’m so happy someone likes my photo or can relate to what I am writing about. But seriously I just saw a picture of a girl standing next to a washing machine. It was kind of blurry, you couldn’t see her face, and there was nothing special about it…it had over 3,000 notes. hahah people! Why don’t you blog things you actually care about or find things that are relatable. I don’t know that is just my opinion though… OH! and Happy February <3
January 31st: Last day of January. When times are tough I turn to my loved ones to put a smile back on my face. It’s good to have my family, best friends and boyfriend in my life. I have seriously never been happier. Even when I get in fights with any of them..it will all be okay because our relationship with each other is too strong to be broken over a small fight. I care about them all so very much and I know that I am truly blessed everyday for having them in my life <3
January 28th: I’m so unmotivated for school and it sucks! I enjoyed my long break but I’m so worried about how lazy I am still being..I need to get my shit together Seriously.
BUT HEY on the plus side. I officially have OVER 1000 FOLLOWERS NOW <333333 woooooo wooooo i love my followers :)))
January 22nd: Well, it’s back to school tomorrow. I’ve unpacked almost everything and now its time to get back into school mode and get focusing. Man did I ever have a great break though. All thanks to my loved ones. I don’t know what I would do without My best friends, my family, and of course Laurence <3 I had so many fun adventures over break…so many unexpected things happened and it was all so much fun. :) What an amazing Winter Break <3
January 15th: They say I’ve changed you…but for the better. You say I keep you smiling and keep you out of trouble. Maybe I’ve influenced you a little but..please understand you have completely changed my life for the better. No matter how much people know me as a smiley person..it has only increased and become a happier more sincere smile since the day we started talking. Having you in my life gives me something to look forward to on annoying, early morning, smile about throughout the day, and dream about at night <3 I truly love you and I’d never change who you are ..but I do believe we are impacting each others life tremendously and I know we both truly love it <3
January 8th: Don’t you just wish your parents trusted you with everything. Like honestly..I am not a bad kid..I work hard in school, surround myself with good people, I do well in school….I just wish honestly my parents could even trust me to have my boyfriend in my room. They look at it as inappropriate..even if the door was wide open. Oh my gosh and I would LOVE if I could just have him spend the night..just to cuddle and wake up to one another. Seriously! I would be an angel I promise and so would he! …But it would never go over well with my parents ..oh well
January 7th: Lesson of the day~Take Risks.. Here is my writing for the day..im going to speak directly to those on my mind but without saying your names…You two..i miss you already and can’t wait to see you next, You are adorable and I hope we become better friends haha, You freak me out hahaha you worry me with your strange compliments, You ya you have problems, and YOUUUU oh you how I love you so very much <3
Today was amazing <333 got to once again spend it with the love of my life ;) haha I find myself falling more and more everyday.
January 3rd: I haven’t written since last year! WHATT haha well happy 2012…now that it is officially 2012 I randomly keep thinking about whether or not the world really will end. I mean before I was like “that’s dumb” “they’ve said that multiple times about different days” and “It’s impossible” but now..it’s like WHAT IF!! that would be crazy wouldn’t it…we are all pushing to things so far in the future when the world may end before we meet those goals. I wouldn’t wanna just sit around an wait either though..that would be literally a waste of my life. I just keep wondering if the world will end..I really hope it doesn’t. I want to live so much longer. I want to finish college, get married, have a family, be a teacher, travel new places, go on more adventures, keep learning new things….I don’t feel like it would be “my time”..I feel like I have so much more to do… I guess we will just have to wait and see.
December 5th: Some people say that other’s use the phrase “I love you” way too much. I have always truly believed it should only be told sincerely and directly when you really feel it. But what happens when you are in love? What about when you can’t stop thinking about your significant other and what about when you truly feel so strongly for them all of the time. My art teacher said today how girls talk to much and boys don’t understand girls feelings enough. So then what? If the girl tries to give off and display her feelings but the guy doesn’t realize she wants it in return. John Mayer say’s in one of his songs “if you want more love, why don’t you say so?” Wellll John Mayer.. that is so much easier said than done. Rihanna says “I want to ask you if you love me but I don’t want to sound so weak.” I know that you love me :) I really do…but sometimes i wonder if you really understand how much I mean the phrase I love you. I know our feelings are strong and mutual for one another it’s just so hard to feel reassured when one is so worried about losing something so special. I just want you to be mine and me to be yours forever. I never want to overuse the words “i love you” but just know that when I say it…I mean it <3
December 3rd: I know I haven’t written in awhile..Honestly lately i don’t really know how to describe my feelings. There’s this saying that talks about how crazy it is how the people you care most about can alter your feelings completely. I know what it means now to have an emotional roller coaster. I love my life and my family and my friends. That is always something consistent in my life thankfully. Things just get so crazy sometimes and i myself, do not understand the millions of thoughts and questions in my mind. Hopefully it will all calm down soon. I know for a fact I all truly need is your comfort. But i don’t just want it from anybody…in fact I rarely accept it from anyone but you. There is no fault or complaints within what I am feeling because it’s life..things happen..I’m not always going to be THE HAPPIEST around..but hey ..life goes on. Keep Calm and Carry On right? Nothing and No one can keep me from living my life to it’s fullest….how dare someone think they have the right to come between me and my happiness..well sucks for them because in that war.. I will forever win. I will win easily and they will suffer the consequences. The way I sound seems a bit evil but in the end..you don’t know where I have been or what I’ve done…just like I don’t know that about you..Life is complicated..Just do your best to keep on smiling. It will get better.. I just know it.
November 15th: My brother is 21 todayyyy!!! holy adlfkghlfdsaljhgfkg!! haha it’s crazy how the years fly by..i mean i’ve only known him for 18 of them but still ;) haha I look up to him so much. We used to fight non-stop about THE DUMBEST things but somehow eventually things just clicked and we grew into great friends. I truly believe he inspires all those around him because of his huge heart, incredible way of looking at life and he’s easy-going weird fun crazy interesting giving understanding and wise personality. I love him so much.
I have never been so excited for Thanksgiving. Guess I just took it for granted before. I am STOKED to see my parents, brother, my bro’s friend who is like family, jess, here family, Dani, Dev, Dev’s family, and of course Laurence <333333333 :))) I cannot wait…hehe it’s Laurence and my anniversary tomorrow <3 xo sweet dreams Tumblr
November 14th: :) I’m smiling so much this morning. Just the thought of being in Laurence’s arms in just 4 more days makes me filled with Joy. Someone asked me again today how on earth We do a long distance relationship is… Truth is..It really is not that hard. When two people truly love each other..the only difficulty is missing each other. But that longing for each other cannot be filled by anything or anyone else. I don’t even consider thinking about someone else.. No one else could possibly try to take his spot <3 forever and ever baby <3 xoxox see you soon AHHH I can’t wait :D!!
November 12th: Literally did nothing but chill and watch Disney movies today. 5 disney movies to be exact haha :) I needed a day like this though ….I’ve been so exhausted.. I mean I know it’s 1:28 right now so it’s not like I went to bed early but still ..I needed some quiet just jamie time. ….now that it’s technically the 13th.. 5 Days til I get to see Laurence <3 thank goodness but seriously this week is going to go by sooo slowly. haha Sweet Dreams Tumblr
November 11th: OH MY GOODNESS!! IT’s 11/11/11 :))) what a perfect day to make wishes. Got to spend it with one of my very best friends, Dani, at the mall..it consisted of buying things that smelled good, candy and puppies. 3 Great things in my opinion.. haha I can’t tell you what I wished for but I have to say I will never regret that wish. <3 I hope it forever comes true
November 9th: I’ve got a keeper. Laurence <3 He is my sunshine ..I literally have always called him sunshine since we first started talking and I always will. Baby from the moment I met you I knew you were special. However, I didn’t know we would fall head over heels for each other ;) <3 Man am I grateful that we did though hehe you are the greatest thing that has happened to me. I don’t care what people say or think..haters gonna hate ;) but in the end I’ll still have you and you’ll still have me and hand in hand we’ll love one another forever. Yes I realize it all is crazy but.. love is crazy :) I just wanna thank you for being so wonderful for me <3 xox love you always Sunshine <3
November 8th: I am confused… I don’t really know what is going on today but nothing makes sense so far.. Then again..its only 11 in the morning but so far I feel like it’s all a blur. Maybe it’s cause I simply can’t focus… I can’t think about anything but being back in the arms of the one I love so very much. <3 Yep. that must be it… 11 more days come on days speed up!!!
November 6th: I seriously just don’t get it. All of my life I’ve never been one to hide my feelings. Everyone around me is pretty much aware of how I feel because I don’t try to cover up. I don’t look for pity because I only except comfort from a select few. I KNOW I AM DIFFICULT, if you can’t handle me I understand but… don’t wait for me to trust you for you to decide to leave.
November 5th: I’m fine..just fine. I’ll be better once I’m in your arms :)… You know what is pretty sad though? How people really don’t realize how their actions affect others. People don’t stop and think about how what they do could create feelings within another. I mean sure sometimes you really just need to let it go and not worry but…other times… come on. Really? Like it is crucial to keep in mind how someone else will feel. just saying…
November 3rd: I swear today was one of the most confusing days ever. Sleep is going to feel so nice tonight <3
I really could change to be anything..but why would I do that for anyone when he already Loves me as I am <3
Novermber 1st” HAPPY NOVEMBER..please be a good one<3. Ugh today was just..ugh i don’t even wanna talk about it..no sir..goodnight!
October 31st: Happy Halloween World!! <3
rough day so far..it’s so hard to know you are hurting inside but even more when you know that no one will understand. Sometimes I don’t even want to vent because I, myself don’t understand my pain. It’s just all so complicated. So ..I put a smile on my face and say that I’m okay…life goes on and will get better I’m sure of it.
October 30th: Craziest halloween weekend ever so far.. still have tomorrow night as well :))
Someone asked me yesterday about some of the things I have been posting and asked me what was wrong. My posts seem contradictory lately and I’m sorry but my mind has seriously been going crazy lately. One minute I am stressed beyond belief but then something happens that reminds me how good I have it and how lucky I am. I am truly blessed. However, that does not cancel out the rough times I have had and how stressful things have been. In the end, I am blessed and grateful for the life I live, The parents who raised me, the true best friends I have in my life and also, even though he is included in the best friends category, my incredible boyfriend. People can keep questioning me and my decisions when it comes to things I will and won’t do and when they question something about my personal life…but in the end I honestly don’t care how you feel. I will keep growing, learning, loving and living the way I feel is best for me. There may be stressful, tiresome and frustrating times..but I am blessed with the best and couldn’t ask for anything more.
October 26th: you know that saying teachers always use “roller coaster of emotions”….ya feeling that today …
I swear I’m pissed off..then sad.. then tired.. then someone makes me smile..then i get bad news..then I’m chill..then I’m stressed..then i giggle. WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!!!! :(
October 25th: today is rough.. i think days when the clouds consistently hover and the fog sets in just calls for a not-so-great kinda day :( That sucks. I like this weather cause you get to get all bundled up..but I wish I had my boyfriend to cuddle with and hold hands with in the cold <3 Miss you baby ..like always <3
October 24th: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEST FRIEND JESSIE <3 hehe oh and happy birthday to Drake as well. :) but more importantly my best friend hahaha i miss you and love you Jess <3
October 23rd: So it’s 1 in the morning and I’m still up…kinda just one of those nights where you have too many thoughts racing through your head ya know? I can’t stop thinking about how blessed I am. My friends and family are safe. I am healthy, happy, and blessed. I’m in love. I have a strong future ahead. I’ve been raised by wonderful, wise parents. I have support from them, my friends and wonderful boyfriend. I think it is really important to step back and look at all that you’ve got instead of trying to think of the things I guess that you don’t have… I am Blessed <3
October 22nd: I like to live by the idea that everything that happens for a reason…but sometimes I don’t think that is true. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together
October 20th: The littlest things can seriously make my day. I can be feeling down and my boyfriend will send me a little text saying he loves me or something like that and I cannot stop smiling. My mom invited him to dinner tomorrow since I’m going home..that’s a super good sign haha :) SUCCESS <3
October 19th: Dear World…if you don’t know something for sure..don’t you dare talk about it..especially when it has to do with someone’s personal life. Watch what you say because you don’t realize how words could effect someone. thank you.
October 17th: I must say that was the most PERFECT weekend I have had in..forever. I finally got to see the Love of my Life <3 I am well aware the world does’t understand our relationship or the love we have for one another but you know what? that is perfectly okay :) I understand we sound crazy because we are :) I love every bit of our crazy love and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the universe. I trust him more than anyone could imagine and I hope and pray to keep him in my life always and forever.<3 love you Always Laurence xox
October 16th: Today someone sent me an anon message that was the dumbest question…i guess it wasn’t a dumb question just like really? anon? Reallyy!!?? I just hate when people use anon to ask super personal questions or any other negative reason. It’s dumb. I just laughed an erased the question haha sorry Anon
October 14th: All I can say is ..FINALLY!! Finally I am home and got to see the love of my life. Sure it was only for about 5 minutes but..it was the best 5 minutes I have had in so long hehe :) spending the whole day with him tomorrow and I can’t wait <3 I must say it’s truly incredible in a beautiful way ..the way we care bout each other and are there for one another no matter what <3 love you always Laurence
October 13th: I go back home tomorrow and get to see my Boo<3 hehe I love him with all my heart. I can’t wait to see him GAAHH..like seriously he is perfect…Doing nothing is never boring with him<3 GAH can’t wait :D!!
October 12th: It’s one thing to feel sad but I think it is so much worse to see your close friend or a family friend sad. Especially when you know there is literally nothing you can do. I’m keeping good thoughts for my friend and her family <3
I wish there was something more I could do.
October 11th: I miss my boyfriend…. Laurence I don’t know if you will ever actually read this ..either way I miss you Sunshine <3 I miss everything about us. Aw baby… I seriously didn’t focus in Math OR History today… I thought about all the fun cute times we have had together. The Park, sea world, the movies, Chilling with your cute cousins, and SOOO much more. I miss being in your strong,warm arms and feeling as though everything is absolutely PERFECT in the world. i get to see you on Friday hopefully..it just feels like it has been so long. It has been almost a month since I’ve been able to see your gorgeous, lovely face <3 Mmm i just cannot wait to kiss you and tell you how much I love you. My friend said something today and it made me think of you and me..he said “Distance means so little when Someone means so much” <3 Gah that is freaking cute..hehe just like you ;) ok I’m rambling but you and I both know that is what I do best. Anyway just felt like writing about how much I miss you. oh p.s I love you and yes I’m aware the whole world can read this. HEY WORLD I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND, LAURENCE PIMENTEL!!! <3 <3 <3
October 10th: I don’t have much to say other than…I am so TIRED. I mean that in every way “tired” can possibly mean.. I think people underestimate me and my abilities. I’m tired of people who don’t have the balls to send up for themselves, I’m tired of people who can’t back off, and I’m tired of judgmental people who are in no place to judge anyway!… I guess i just don’t wanna get into it…But i do wish I had someone to hold me..WHAT no. NOT just someone ..only one person. He knows it <3 i love my boyfriend. see you soon I hope <3
October 9th: Went to the Melting Pot for my 18th Birthday Dinner. Good company, good food, good memories <3
PLUS I got a pillow pet and I’ve deeply desired one for a loooonnggg time ..hoorraayyy! <3
October 8th: Today was weird. haha fun but weird. I have so much on my mind but no energy to think about it all…I think everybody has those days though..it’s kinda annoying because I knooow I really should get stuff done. Parents coming tomorrow to celebrate my 18th birthday :) aw how nice.